i seriously don't know what i'm doing,
blogging at this time of the night again.
i think i just can't find anyone to EXPLODE on,
so i'm yakking here.
don't read it if you think you're gonna be bored,
cos i think most of the time you won't be
able to understand what i'm about to say.
i am very bothered.
i am VERY bothered.
and i can't help myself.
this fewdays were great for me,
TA-DAAHHH!
shawn gets most of the credit,
cos he's the one who made me
really smile and not think about things,
but i still feel that something's missing.
( Click to enlarge. shawn trying to copy my
QianBian face on his webcam,
but fails terribly cos it came off too cute,
except his sleepy birdnest hair!
whoops, i think somebody's gonna scold me
with his manly-est voice!)
everybody's been really great to me.
really, most of the people in my msn list.
were really very concerned about me,
they keep telling me, don't sad okay.
you're still young, can find a better guy for sure!
but very hard to find good guys, you know.
and my expectation very high,
find for me can? :]
i haven't been crying at all thesefew days.
and i'm damn proud of myself,
don't care lah, i'm just proud of myself.
i mean, cancerians are very emotional!
and I AM, VERY EMOTIONAL.
so, considered very good alrdy!
but when i finally get to know who she is,
i immediately regretted asking.
i'm even pissed at myself asking.
i'm generally someone who loves to compare,
prolly even abit too much,
but i just can't stop myself.
i want my spunk, my confidence back.
i wanna tell myself, i'm not lousier than anybody else.
and what's the big deal?
just that she's older than me right?
i'm only 17 this year,
i'm still young.
i'll still change.
my next bf would prolly be very faithful to me
love me alot alot, love my cooking,
love my sweetness, love me for meeee!
i only show my sweet side to my bf okay!
so don't puke when i say, love my sweetness :]
seee, i'm pissed at myself again.
i always act freaking tough,
say i'm sure i can do this, do that.
act till all these don't really bother me at all.
the facts are,
- i'm not that strong at all,
- i'm not as confident as it seems like to be, not at all.
- when i said i'm not bothered at all, i'm VERYbothered.
- i can't help myself.
- i need comfort &assurance that i'm not any lousier
than anyone.
i'm running a fever &cough
and i need comfort and assurance.
and that is just me,
soft, dreamy, love people to comfort me.
not tough at all,
but always tries to show as if i'm very okay.
like everything doesn't bothers me anymore,
like everyone tells me,
" fidelis, didn't expect you to be so strong. "
i think that's just something
i've became after being with him for so long.
bottle up my feelings,
but to some people i feel i can really talk to.
or when i'm really just desperate,
i'll just explode, and i think i kinda drive them crazy.
i just can't find anyone to EXPLODE on,
so i'm yakking here.
i'm gonna try and fall asleep,
and not think about anything.
byebye blog :]
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